Dear Blogger,
Today I spent Valentine's Day, lonely as HECK in the sense that I wasn't with the love of my life. Sure, I was surrounded by some family, in general the day was good. But the sentimental value the day itself holds, never made it's appearance. I spent all day missing Theron. Just wishing he could be here and spend the day with me. If there were any way he could have flown in for a single day and go back out the next, I would be okay with that. It isn't easy reading updates through out the day about my girlfriends getting all the love in the world their heart desires and then some, while i'm stuck unable to create memories with the one I love because Theron is hundreds of miles away from me. What I wouldn't do to be able to have a normal relationship with him. To be able to see him e.v.e.r.y day. Never having to worry about going to sleep alone. It would be nice to not always cook TV dinners cause what's the point of making a huge dinner mess for one and a half people? Having things go unfixed for weeks until he can get home to make it right. That feeling of being overwhelmed and he isn't here to help me. Most of all he misses out on so much, we as a family miss out. It's unbelievably difficult.. And there is no worse feeling in the world when you need that someone you love, but you can't have them, there's nothing you can do to change it. Feeling hopeless is awful. And it's something I constantly have to deal with. I know he does what he has to do to take care of Landon and I, if there were any other way to do it, he would quit his job in a heart beat without thinking twice about it. I know as soon as I get off of here, I'll get myself ready for sleep, curl up in the bed under our blankets and cry to the point where I run myself dry of tears and fall asleep by exhaustion from bawling. It happens every night that he misses out on something he should be here for. Every single time. No matter how many years we have to do this, it never gets any easier. It's been three years and it's just as hard now as it was since day one. I wish he was here. I needed him today and I need him now. I'm on the verge of a break down and I can only imagine him coming up behind me, pulling me towards him and kissing me to reassure that things are alright. What some people often take for granted, I cherish beyond belief. Simple little kisses on the forehead, for no reason. A short holding of each others hands, even if it's just walking from the car to inside the grocery store. Arguing about who is taking up the most room on the bed. Some things I wish I could be able to do every day, go unnoticed by those who have it. And remember that corny saying, 'you never know what you have until it's gone'? I cannot stress enough on how unbelievably true that statement is. I told myself in the beginning of the day that because I do have such an amazing man in my life, I will spend the day happy. But I could only fool myself for so long. No doubt, I have been grateful on this day that I have him, regardless if he was here or not he is my Valentine. But the day should not have been spent the way it was. I am not looking forward to the 27th of this month either... :(
Today I spent Valentine's Day, lonely as HECK in the sense that I wasn't with the love of my life. Sure, I was surrounded by some family, in general the day was good. But the sentimental value the day itself holds, never made it's appearance. I spent all day missing Theron. Just wishing he could be here and spend the day with me. If there were any way he could have flown in for a single day and go back out the next, I would be okay with that. It isn't easy reading updates through out the day about my girlfriends getting all the love in the world their heart desires and then some, while i'm stuck unable to create memories with the one I love because Theron is hundreds of miles away from me. What I wouldn't do to be able to have a normal relationship with him. To be able to see him e.v.e.r.y day. Never having to worry about going to sleep alone. It would be nice to not always cook TV dinners cause what's the point of making a huge dinner mess for one and a half people? Having things go unfixed for weeks until he can get home to make it right. That feeling of being overwhelmed and he isn't here to help me. Most of all he misses out on so much, we as a family miss out. It's unbelievably difficult.. And there is no worse feeling in the world when you need that someone you love, but you can't have them, there's nothing you can do to change it. Feeling hopeless is awful. And it's something I constantly have to deal with. I know he does what he has to do to take care of Landon and I, if there were any other way to do it, he would quit his job in a heart beat without thinking twice about it. I know as soon as I get off of here, I'll get myself ready for sleep, curl up in the bed under our blankets and cry to the point where I run myself dry of tears and fall asleep by exhaustion from bawling. It happens every night that he misses out on something he should be here for. Every single time. No matter how many years we have to do this, it never gets any easier. It's been three years and it's just as hard now as it was since day one. I wish he was here. I needed him today and I need him now. I'm on the verge of a break down and I can only imagine him coming up behind me, pulling me towards him and kissing me to reassure that things are alright. What some people often take for granted, I cherish beyond belief. Simple little kisses on the forehead, for no reason. A short holding of each others hands, even if it's just walking from the car to inside the grocery store. Arguing about who is taking up the most room on the bed. Some things I wish I could be able to do every day, go unnoticed by those who have it. And remember that corny saying, 'you never know what you have until it's gone'? I cannot stress enough on how unbelievably true that statement is. I told myself in the beginning of the day that because I do have such an amazing man in my life, I will spend the day happy. But I could only fool myself for so long. No doubt, I have been grateful on this day that I have him, regardless if he was here or not he is my Valentine. But the day should not have been spent the way it was. I am not looking forward to the 27th of this month either... :(
3 comments:
I wish I could hug you right now and make it all better, because I do get it. I can't wait for our starbucks date! ;)
oh, hun, my heart really goes out to you right now.
i'm so sorry you're in this place.
i hope that, one day, theron happens upon a new job opportunity and that he can be with you guys in the ways that you need, plus more.
♥
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