He's leaving us..

Dear Blogger,

Claire called.. I hate hearing Theron answer his phone, and listening to the name Claire come out of his mouth. My stomach sinks every time. Because I know right then and there, for the duration of that phone call, is when they're discussing the day he is leaving. And it usually falls on the day after that phone call. Which means, Theron leaves tomorrow. You can bet your butts I am so not happy. Landon doesn't know yet. I hate laying that on him...

Lately Landon has been clingy to Theron. All the time he spends away from us, we want to be with him every waking second, to make up that time we missed and will miss. Landon always wants him with us, when he or we go somewhere, he'll start crying and just keeps repeating how much he wants his dad... It hurts me to pieces, because from here on out, he will always realize what it fully means to hear 'daddy is leaving for the boat, again', and it will break his heart.. and he will cry, and he will repeat how much he wants his daddy while we drive away from the departing drop off area of the airport, and he's walking to his plane.. to fly countless miles away from us.

Tomorrow is going to be awful.
These next few weeks will be a struggle. We have no money... We have what seems like a ton of bills coming up, including rent to be one, and Theron's next check will only be for 4 1/2 days pay. We don't know what we're going to do... Work for me has been incredibly slow, I wouldn't even consider myself being currently employed cause I haven't been in in almost a months time. I made a new resume, i'm on the hunt starting tomorrow for a new workplace. The spa industry is relentless! I keep telling Theron and myself things will work out. Things will be okay. We will get through it, we always do. And of course we have family, but we never like asking for help..

I mentioned in a previous post that Theron's designated boat is out for season and won't be back on the water until March, so he's been home waiting patiently for a new boat to hitch on. Unfortunately it isn't a 40 or 34 day hitch... it's only 20. Which means he will miss our 5th year anniversary.. This will be the fourth year in a row he hasn't been home to spend 'our' day with one another.. He was going to be home for it, I was looking forward to it, finally... Last year we didn't even get a chance to celebrate it until 3 or 4 months after the actual date. I wish everyone in that darn company can get their ish together..
Maybe next year?

Sorry for my ramblings. I needed to get it off my chest.

On another note, today Landon began learning to write today, we will continue for an hour each day to write and learn in his preschool workbooks. I'm gonna get off.. help my hunnie pack and spend what time I have left with him, it's our last night together.

Goodnight!

Nature Trail

Dear Blogger,

Going to show you our day through pictures. These are actually from yesterday, but my computer was acting all funky and I couldn't upload them.

I still won't have a lot, that one photo above just took 30 minutes to upload.. Gah! Darn computer! :(

FACT: I am actually severely pigeon toed. :x

I love the moments when I can just stop everything I'm doing, focus all my attention on Landon and fully take in just how happy he is all the time. It has to be one of the greatest feelings I get. It's hard to even explain through words... but I get an excited, almost anxious, sort of feeling. It's very overwhelming. But the greatest thing I ever felt. To me, he is the center of my existence, I live and breathe for him - now. Before he was born, I never knew happiness of this magnitude were even possible. All from these simple little smiles and laughs that I see on his little face.

I got to upload a few more this morning. Yay!

A Song by Theron

Dear Blogger,

If you don't know by now, Theron plays guitar. And  plays pretty good. He can make you sing along, make you wanna dance, make you cry or make you laugh. Whether you want to or not. He is talented musically and lyrically. He has quite a few songs he's written that are damn good. This one in particular makes me cry. I actually cried as I was typing it, because.. well.. you'll see.. and I will try to get some more of his songs on here if he'll allow it.

Have you ever been the cause

of someones broken heart

contradicts everything I stand for

but I am and i'm fallin apart

I'm sorry I had to leave

didn't mean to cause you pain

I miss you just as much

but I can't feel anything

Chorus

If I could go back

I would of stayed and kept my place

by your side

but it's too late cause I've passed away

I shouldn't have started the fight

I know you blame yourself

But grieving plays tricks on your mind

just stand strong and play what you're dealt

Easy for me to say

if you would've left me this way

I'd probably go insane

if not for our babyboy

Chorus

Sometimes I'm back at  home

see you crying in our room

try to hold you and wipe the tears

but I make it worse when I do

So I sit back and watch you fight

and wish I could make it right

watch our son grow and learn

every once in awhile kiss you both goodnight

There are no words in the dictionary to sufficiently express how much I love this man.