Poor Landon

Just a quick short post...

Theron hasn't even been out on the boat for two days yet, and Landon has already been begging me to take him to the airport to pick up his daddy. We both have a ways to go before that will happen. Breaks my heart to tell him there is no way he can have him right now. We just have to wait patiently. I wish I could fill the emptiness in Landon while Theron's gone. But there's no replacing that relationship. A child always needs his father and the mom can only do so much. I'll just be glad when he's done working on boats for good. 

Preview of our photoshoot we had done. I can't wait to get all the pictures. :)

XtinaPhotography.

A big change is coming..

Dear Blogger,

These last few years(almost four to be precise) Theron's choice in job has taken it's toll on us, and we are both at our end point. Not that I would even consider it a choice, but more along the lines of what needed to be done at the time, and sort of got stuck. When I became pregnant, at a very young age(I was still in high school, that's how young) we didn't know what we were going to do. We had no income, we were in school, Theron dropped out so we can get busy on getting work to support us. Needless to say with some connections Theron was welcomed easily at a Tugboat company. At first, it was grand.. the money he brought in was great and even now it is a blessing, in ways. But the $240 a day is not worth it. And no amount of money can make up for the time away and the damage it is causing to our little family. So something has to change. I'm on a kick at the moment to convince Theron to not go back to work after his next trip home, which is almost in a couple weeks. And that even though we have our lease, we will figure something out. Just trying to reassure him everything will work out. It will be fine. I don't know how convincing I am because I'm not even sure if i'm fully convincing myself.. When he gets home, the first thing he is doing is going to the Coast Guard Recruiting Office for information. This will most likely be the next huge step to our future. I'm nervous... I know enough to know what it means if he enrolls.. Even longer time apart, starting with boot camp. I think he is going to chose to not deploy. Even so, I know anything is better than what he is doing right now. We most likely will fall behind on bills.. and that's okay to me. Theron's and Landon's happiness is more important to me. And our family is backing us up on this decision 100%. It's great to know we have others who can help us if we need it at this time, we have family. And thanks to his father who used to be in the coast Guard, he has Theron convinced this is his best choice, for all of us. This is our chance, and will be the big change we need.

Coast Guard.

I can't wait to have my hunnie home. I miss him so much..

the downfall to our relationship... happy valentine's day..

Dear Blogger,
Today I spent Valentine's Day, lonely as HECK in the sense that I wasn't with the love of my life. Sure, I was surrounded by some family, in general the day was good. But the sentimental value the day itself holds, never made it's appearance. I spent all day missing Theron. Just wishing he could be here and spend the day with me. If there were any way he could have flown in for a single day and go back out the next, I would be okay with that. It isn't easy reading updates through out the day about my girlfriends getting all the love in the world their heart desires and then some, while i'm stuck unable to create memories with the one I love because Theron is hundreds of miles away from me. What I wouldn't do to be able to have a normal relationship with him. To be able to see him e.v.e.r.y day. Never having to worry about going to sleep alone. It would be nice to not always cook TV dinners cause what's the point of making a huge dinner mess for one and a half people? Having things go unfixed for weeks until he can get home to make it right. That feeling of being overwhelmed and he isn't here to help me. Most of all he misses out on so much, we as a family miss out. It's unbelievably difficult.. And there is no worse feeling in the world when you need that someone you love, but you can't have them, there's nothing you can do to change it. Feeling hopeless is awful. And it's something I constantly have to deal with. I know he does what he has to do to take care of Landon and I, if there were any other way to do it, he would quit his job in a heart beat without thinking twice about it. I know as soon as I get off of here, I'll get myself ready for sleep, curl up in the bed under our blankets and cry to the point where I run myself dry of tears and fall asleep by exhaustion from bawling. It happens every night that he misses out on something he should be here for. Every single time. No matter how many years we have to do this, it never gets any easier. It's been three years and it's just as hard now as it was since day one. I wish he was here. I needed him today and I need him now. I'm on the verge of a break down and I can only imagine him coming up behind me, pulling me towards him and kissing me to reassure that things are alright. What some people often take for granted, I cherish beyond belief. Simple little kisses on the forehead, for no reason. A short holding of each others hands, even if it's just walking from the car to inside the grocery store. Arguing about who is taking up the most room on the bed. Some things I wish I could be able to do every day, go unnoticed by those who have it. And remember that corny saying, 'you never know what you have until it's gone'? I cannot stress enough on how unbelievably true that statement is. I told myself in the beginning of the day that because I do have such an amazing man in my life, I will spend the day happy. But I could only fool myself for so long. No doubt, I have been grateful on this day that I have him, regardless if he was here or not he is my Valentine. But the day should not have been spent the way it was. I am not looking forward to the 27th of this month either... :(

troubled

Dear Blogger,

These last few days are taking a toll on me, more than what I have been letting anyone let on to see.. And by few days I mean the past week. My mind is constantly on the go and filled to brim ready to overflow from a million worries. Seems like it anyway. I'm someone that whenever I am presented with an issue, no matter how small or large, I give in and it gets the best of me. My sleeping problems are slowly creeping up on me again, and I haven't been going to sleep until around 4AM in the morning, only to wake up when Landon does. It takes so much just to roll myself out of bed. Money. The fact that it is currently non existent in our life, at the moment, is our worse problem. Our fridge is near empty, the only thing we really have is plenty of milk and cereal, juice, a box of Brick Oven pizza and a couple TV dinners. There's a half tank of gas in the car and there's 10 dollars in my wallet to last us until the 5TH of next month. I am so grateful to have two amazing families. Mine and Theron's, who are always right there to help us if we need it. I keep asking myself should I get a job? Is it worth giving up the time I have everyday with Landon, while after every hitch home we're always near having to ask to borrow money from our family? Will I make enough to profit after the price of daycare? Should I get a part time like I have now and risk not getting called in for almost two months cause it's unbelievably slow? A full time? I want the best for Landon. I want the best for all of us. I'm waiting for the day when I can finally sit back and say 'this is it, i'm where I wanna be'. I always feel like nothing horrible can happen to people who are at the utmost genuinely good at heart, good all around, that things will always work out, because they don't deserve it any other way. There is so much more on my mind, emotional, personal things, that I don't want to say because it involves others.. I think id like to create a blog for my sister. She has a lot of issues, major life threatening issues, she's dealing with and nowhere to look, no one to go to except my mother and me.. I don't wanna press it too much on here, I don't want to expose her personal life for just anyone. I think i'm done for now.. I've been so absent on blogging lately. I'm sorry for all the wonderful posts I missed out on. And I don't think I'll honestly ever have the time to catch up on them. I will probably go scam a few of my favorites...

Goodbye for now!

Oh and I was going to do a separate post, might as well add it on here seeing as I don't know when the next time I'll be able to write will be.

Would anyone like to button swap for February? :)

I know my followers are on the low side of the scale. But if anyone is doing swapping, id love in and to try to and get my blog out there more to the world.

I am giving in

Dear Blogger,

It wasn't too long ago that Theron and I broke Landon from the habit of sleeping in our bed. When he was an infant to about being in his late twos he slept in his crib/bed, besides when we stayed at my moms because the crib stayed at Theron's parents house. We always packed our bags and moved in with him for the duration of his days off. It wasn't until 6 months ago that we took the step to live on our own, and moved into a home, for us. This is where the trouble began on the whole issue. I maybe, kinda, sorta, screwed up.. and whenever Theron left I had Landon sleep with me, in his and I's bed. I know I know... whyyy on Earth did I do this? Truth be told, I am one of 'those' moms.. The one who constantly worries, no matter who he's with, always wanting to call every single hour to know what he's doing.. Theron and I had to give up vacation time because I couldn't stand being away from Landon for more than one night. He calls me crazy... But whatever. So, when we got our own place, everything was fine.. he went to sleep in his room, Theron and I went to in ours... I think what made me do it was Theron leaving, and having to not only go to sleep in an empty bed, but an empty room. Landon never had his own room until now. His crib/bed was always right next to my side of the bed. And now i'm alone in my own room. I didn't last a night. I went and scooped him up from his bed, while he was sleeping, and put him in bed with me. And from then on out he slept with me every night Theron was gone. So you could imagine when Theron got home and he wanted his bed back, little Landon wasn't all too happy. Let's get real, there is no room for all of us on that thing. Let alone us two the way Theron sleeps, my goodness. But he would have a fit for the first week, then would realize he might as well just do it cause he really isn't going to sleep in our bed... But as soon as he was back on track, and Theron left again, he was right back in bed with me. I missed sleeping with him, and I just didn't wanna sleep alone.. I think Landon feels that way too, because he wakes up every single morning(seriously, he doesn't miss a day out of the month) at around 3 am to come jump in bed with me. Of course I let him at least do that.. But Theron made it clear to me that I can no longer let him sleep in our bed. So for the last couple months, when it's time for sleep, Landon and I fall asleep in our own rooms. I miss him at night. Let's face the fact though.. it tears me up sleeping alone. 

So this is what I am going to do, every Saturday night i'm going to give in. I'm going to have Landon sleep in our bed. Every Saturday night. Starting tonight, hehe. And I am so ready to go snuggle up with my little mans. So goodnight Blogger! :)

Pictures

Dear Blogger,

Here is a site that always takes a stab at my heart...

Theron is gone. He's in Virginia right now.

My eyes hurt. I'm tired and been crying on and off. I'm usually not this emotional through out the day after he leaves.. but every time I think about him still being here, realizing he isn't and can't be, my heart hurts, I tear up and have to catch myself.. :/

Atleast I have this amazing little boy to keep me happy and busy until Theron gets home.

Goodnight!

He's leaving us..

Dear Blogger,

Claire called.. I hate hearing Theron answer his phone, and listening to the name Claire come out of his mouth. My stomach sinks every time. Because I know right then and there, for the duration of that phone call, is when they're discussing the day he is leaving. And it usually falls on the day after that phone call. Which means, Theron leaves tomorrow. You can bet your butts I am so not happy. Landon doesn't know yet. I hate laying that on him...

Lately Landon has been clingy to Theron. All the time he spends away from us, we want to be with him every waking second, to make up that time we missed and will miss. Landon always wants him with us, when he or we go somewhere, he'll start crying and just keeps repeating how much he wants his dad... It hurts me to pieces, because from here on out, he will always realize what it fully means to hear 'daddy is leaving for the boat, again', and it will break his heart.. and he will cry, and he will repeat how much he wants his daddy while we drive away from the departing drop off area of the airport, and he's walking to his plane.. to fly countless miles away from us.

Tomorrow is going to be awful.
These next few weeks will be a struggle. We have no money... We have what seems like a ton of bills coming up, including rent to be one, and Theron's next check will only be for 4 1/2 days pay. We don't know what we're going to do... Work for me has been incredibly slow, I wouldn't even consider myself being currently employed cause I haven't been in in almost a months time. I made a new resume, i'm on the hunt starting tomorrow for a new workplace. The spa industry is relentless! I keep telling Theron and myself things will work out. Things will be okay. We will get through it, we always do. And of course we have family, but we never like asking for help..

I mentioned in a previous post that Theron's designated boat is out for season and won't be back on the water until March, so he's been home waiting patiently for a new boat to hitch on. Unfortunately it isn't a 40 or 34 day hitch... it's only 20. Which means he will miss our 5th year anniversary.. This will be the fourth year in a row he hasn't been home to spend 'our' day with one another.. He was going to be home for it, I was looking forward to it, finally... Last year we didn't even get a chance to celebrate it until 3 or 4 months after the actual date. I wish everyone in that darn company can get their ish together..
Maybe next year?

Sorry for my ramblings. I needed to get it off my chest.

On another note, today Landon began learning to write today, we will continue for an hour each day to write and learn in his preschool workbooks. I'm gonna get off.. help my hunnie pack and spend what time I have left with him, it's our last night together.

Goodnight!

New goals for 2012, try some with me.

Dear Blogger,

New Years was a complete mess. Bet you weren't expecting me to drop that on ya, huh? I never claimed or try to portray my life to be perfect. It's not. I just wanted everybody to have a wonderful time, Theron, me, our family and friends... Something just had to set that off. Or someone. That, I will not get in to...

All I know, is I got my p-e-r-f-e-c-t New Years kiss(es), how many kisses can you give in a minute? A lot. ;b


And it's no secret that I don't drink, and with good reason.. I had a total of two drinks over a good 4 hours timeline... Guess who got sick the following morning? For now on, I will celebrate my own way, and still be happy and enjoy it as much as all the drunkies, :x lol

Okay okay, so the year may not have started off the best, but doesn't mean the year itself can't be. I am determined to make it better than the last(challenge accept).

Here are some things id like to accomplish, I think i'll make a page for my goals, and through out the year, cross them out. I'm looking to you, blogger, for motivation. I know you can help me!

• Visit distance family / friends 
• Travel to new places
• Save money 
• Know when to walk away 
• Think positive 
• Reduce stress 
• Control Spending 
• Improve social skills 
• Don't procrastinate 
• Love myself 
• Relax 
• Be confident 
• Take a Trip 
• Start a hobby 
• Simplify my Life 
• Become financial independent / stable 
• Increase income 
• Replace a bad habit 
• Convince Theron to quit, or cut back on his smoking
• Remember birthdays and anniversaries 
• Break an addiction 
• Improve my non existent credit score
• Have family meals 
• Recycle and reuse more often
• Plan a family reunion 
• Meditate more 
• Be open minded 
• Get organized 
• Keep at least one plant alive in the bedroom 
• Lose weight(approximately 20+ lbs)
• Take an online class 
• Eat Healthful Food 
• Don't give up 
• Occasionally exchange Facebook for face time
• Love my imperfections
• Be proactive 
• Donate to a worthy cause 
• Study my professional industry 
• Drink more water everyday 
• Bike instead of drive 
• Add 30 minutes to the beginning or end of my night’s sleep 
• Play more board games 
• Hand write thank-you letters and cards 
• Have more picnics 
• Donate some of my wardrobe 
• Go on dates that require no money 
• Get a pet 
• Give gifts that are homemade, not bought 
• Buy produce at Farmer’s Markets 
• Change your favorite color 
• Only trim, and let hair grow out longer

I'll be working on getting this into it's own page, i'll put it in the right column of my blog where navigation is. And I can use it as a cross off list. :)

Have any of the same goals as me? Link me to your list, and maybe we could swap goals and add to our own!

Happy New Year!!!!

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh.. Theron is due back to the boat on the fourth.. Only a couple more days with him :(

At midnight..

Dear Blogger,

When the clock strikes 12 tonight, and the day ends.. it will turn into the 16th. Theron comes home on the 18th.

2 days.


No matter how soon he's due home, it's never quite soon enough...
But just thinking about it, in two short days, he will be home again. Brings swarms of butterflies to my tummy, my heart picks up pace, I fluster, and smile so big that it feels like it's literally from one ear to the other.
I can't wait to pick him up from the airport. Basically slobber on each others faces trying to get every kiss in that we've missed while he was gone.(Okay, maybe not slobber, but craving kisses for that long, you'd get pretty eager and impatient also). Can't wait to walk through the front door of our home, and knowing that after Landon is asleep in his bed, I won't be up all alone. I won't have to go to sleep or wake up with an empty side of the bed. I seriously cannot wait!

All I know, is he deserves more than anything to be home for Christmas, he is the best, and I've never known anyone to work as hard as he does so we can get by. I have never been more proud of someone. He deserves to be here for the holidays. I can't wait to have one of our best Christmas's yet.

2 daaaaaaaaaaays!!

Not all changes are good...

Theron only has one week left home. 

And honestly, it feels like he has only been home for no more than a few days..

Unfortunately, some things were worked out at work, and his hitch schedules have been changed, nothing he could of done about it.

Originally, Theron worked 40 days straight way up North on a designated boat, to come home for 20 days off, to do whatever we pleased. 

The hitch he worked before this trip home was the beginning of his new schedule. 

Instead of doing 40/20 he is now having to do 34/16. 

It may not seem like a big deal... but with the 20 days home we were already spending everyday being busy. 

Balancing our days between what we need to get done, when do we see his family, my family.. our friends. 

Before we know it he's already flying back to work.. 

We never get a day to just lounge around the house, and relax. 

We are always doing something.  

Now, him only being home for 15 days(the 16th day I don't count since it's his travel day and leaves at 5am for the airport) but 15 days home is nowhere near enough time for a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.

We were already an unorganized mess with things-to-do when he got home, and now we just got knocked off another 5 days. 

I cherished every single day, in those 20 days.

And they took 5 of them away from us!!

Maybe I'm being a big baby.

 I know there are many more women who go without seeing their significant other much longer than what I am dealing with. 

And some of those women can handle it, they were meant to be able to brace, hang tough in this sort of thing. 

I like to believe I am one of those women, but sometimes I truly wonder.

I know compared to how others may have it, I have it good. Extremely good.

I am thankful, no doubt.

I'm just pretty upset I don't get enough of him anymore.

Okay. I'm done ranting. Time for bed and to snuggle next to theeee love of my life in bed.

Thanks for reading! Have a great night/day, :)